it took reading a very good friend of mine's blog for me to really be able to answer the question "why are u single?" i mean, i had this pretty, dressed up, preformatted response for the question, but i hadn't really thought about why i was single until last night. u have to read his blog titled "love has fallen down on me", dated january 20th.
so i'm single because i fear being hurt because of those who have hurt me in my past. no matter how many times i say i don't let the next man pay for what any other one has done to me in my past, it's simply not true. subconsciously, i do. i look for signs and clues in everyone. i observe, i listen, i wait....i wait for him to show me a sign that he can and/or will hurt me. i hope to catch him in a lie so that i won't waste my time.
i silently push him away with my questions, with my false sense of insecurity, with my doubt. but secretly, i lend him a benefit of doubt...deep down inside, i hope that we make it...somewhere...anywhere but where i've been. what better time than the present?
i want to love and be loved. i want to plan a trip to florida and travel where ever my vacation time and jet fuel will take us. i want to be someone's perfect woman. where my man will hold me up to God and ask Him "can i keep her?" i want a family one day. i want...i want...i want....
i want...
i want....
I NEED...
to get myself together first. i need to be sure that when God shows me to the man who'll have me, that i'm ready. ready for his unconditional love. ready for him to accept me for me. ready to embrace him and everything he is to me, trusting GOD all the way and not doubting him.
my king, wherever u are...i love u. i can't wait to meet u. i'm almost there....but i'm not ready yet. so sorry to keep u waiting...but best i learn this lesson now than to put our love in jeopardy later.
keep praying for me.
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2 comments:
Wants tend to lead people to choose to be single. It's when you're ready to give is when love comes. that old saying if you stop looking for something it's when you're able to find it. Love and happieness are the same way. when you want something you seek it out with as little compromise as possible. Giving into the possiblity of hurt, giving into the idea that there is no perfect union, giving into the fact that anything worth having takes time, dedication understanding and persistant patients. Love happens, Life takes work.
In order to have that real love you have to put yourself out there. You should still be wise about your decisions, but you have to give your heart. Put it in someone else's hands. The rewards are great. And don't rush it. When God is ready for you he will let you know and not the other way around.
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